Have you ever had the sweetest dream and the most comforting night’s rest, only to be woken up by your sleeping partner? Does your significant other keep stealing the pillow or are they more comfortable sleeping in a room with a temperature that you don’t find exactly suitable for sleeping? Then maybe it’s time you considered sleep divorce. No, it doesn’t mean you’re actually getting a divorce, it just implies that you and your partner won’t share the same bed. While the idea might sound worrying, it might actually save your relationship. Keep reading to find out how.
History of Co-Sleeping
Believe it or not, couples sharing a bed isn’t something firmly established, as history suggests. Even in Victorian times, couples would share a bed to foster community and out of necessity. In the Middle Ages, it was not uncommon for peasant families to sleep on the floor together with livestock to keep everybody warm.
It was only in the 15th century that beds became a thing, and people started making them big enough to fit everybody in with enough space to move around. Only those originating from upper classes would get to enjoy the luxury of having more than one bed. Some even had their servants sleep with them so they could be available immediately when needed even during the night.
In the 19th century, separate beds became the norm as women celebrated their independence and in order to avoid spreading germs when bodies would sit so close to one another. Separate twin beds made housewives less available for their husbands, symbolizing an important sexual revolution that lasted until the 1970s.
That was the turning point of the twin bed, as people started to think sleeping alone was old-fashioned. Then, couples began sharing a bed and now form what we believe to be the new norm: for partners to sleep together in the same bed.
Sleep Deprivation & Relationship Impact
As you may already know, being sleep deprived brings a lot of negative impacts on a person’s physical and mental health. Not getting enough sleep will result in frequent mood swings, causing a person to become more irritable and making them more susceptible to getting into fights with those around them.
Amie Gordon and Serena Chen, UC Berkeley psychologists, have talked about the fact that people are more likely to get into a fight with their partner after a bad night’s sleep. It has been known for a long time that lack of sleep can have a troublesome impact on a person’s relationship, but a new study revealed the fact that couples can take a huge hit because their sleep deprivation is getting in the way of their ability to communicate and resolve conflict.
To complete the study, researchers have collected data on the sleeping habits of 100 couples that have been involved in a relationship for two years on average. The study was focused on determining whether or not there is a relationship between sleep quality and the ability to solve conflicts in a relationship.
Some of the study’s results showed that:
- Young adults involved in romantic relationships are more likely to get into a fight with their partners the next day after not having slept well.
- Couples said they experienced more negative feelings towards their partners as a result of poor sleep.
- Their conflict resolution skills also dropped significantly because of a bad night’s sleep.
Is Sleep Divorce a Good Solution for You?
A sleep divorce can go a long way in helping a person get a better night’s rest. However, it is not the only solution and it doesn’t work for just about anyone. It might be efficient for couples that communicate openly and are very empathic about the other person’s feelings, but for others, it might be a reason for more quarrel, so it’s really important to discuss this a little more in-depth to determine whether or not sleep divorce can make or break your relationship.
You might be wondering what are the reasons that could possibly lead to a sleep divorce. First of all, the combination between a light sleeper and someone who snores. Having a sleeping partner who snores can be very frustrating for someone who tends to wake up when hearing the slightest noise, and it’s perfectly normal to want to sleep separately.
One thing that we’d like to point out is that a person who snores too loud might have a sleeping disorder that’s known as sleep apnea. This condition causes a person’s airways to become too narrow, not allowing them to get the required amount of intake with each breath. This leads to breathing repeatedly stopping. Sleep apnea is a medical condition that requires seeing a doctor, so if you notice this kind of sleeping behavior in a sleeping partner, let them know so they can go see a specialist.
Snoring is a common reason for sleep divorce, but it isn’t the only one. Some people like to sleep in colder rooms, while others prefer high temperatures in order to get a good night’s rest. Instead of arguing over turning the thermostat up or down, sleeping in separate rooms might be a better solution.
Other people like falling asleep with the TV turned on, while their sleeping partner might prefer complete and absolute silence. Others are more comfortable with having some sort of light one, while others prefer pitch black darkness. We can’t contest the sleeping preference of other people, because what works for one person might not work for another. It’s important that we accept these differences and focus on what we can do to avoid fights and still get a good night’s rest in the process.
Alternatives to Sleep Divorce
Sleep divorce is often seen as a viable solution for people that are disturbed by a sleeping habit their partner has (conscious or unconscious) and that need to get a good night’s sleep without feeling frustrated in having to make demands for their significant other to change their sleeping habits.
This decision to sleep in separate beds can’t be taken lightly and, in some cases, it could be a sign that the relationship between people is decreasing in intensity, causing one or both partners to feel a loss in connection. So, if you are thinking about a sleep divorce but you’re worried about breaking your partner’s feeling or are concerned about the long-term impact this could have on your relationship, you could try to determine exactly why it is that you want to stop sharing a bed with your spouse and see if that problem has an alternative solution. For example:
- Snoring – Snoring could be a sign of sleep apnea, something that can be kept under control with a CPAP machine. It could also be a sign of overweight or alcohol/smoking/substance abuse, in which case some lifestyle changes are needed.
- Temperature – It is not uncommon to find couples with different nocturnal sleeping temperatures. One of them is tempted to turn the thermostat up, while the other one could turn on the AC unit if they could. There are ways to solve this problem that don’t always imply sleep divorce. You could try a temperature-regulating mattress pad. You could have the person who is feeling cold sleep under an extra blanket, or purchase a cooling mattress so that the hot sleeper can enjoy better airflow.
- Moving around – If you share a bed with a feisty partner, they are likely to switch between sleeping positions a lot during the night. It’s really important to know why they are doing this. For instance, if they have restless leg syndrome and feel discomfort up to a point where they have to keep moving their legs a lot during the night, there is medication they can turn to in order to keep this problem under control. If you’re woken up because you can feel the mattress moving when your partner is switching positions or getting in and out of bed, consider investing in a mattress that helps isolate motion (such as those made from memory foam).
- Bed firmness – Another reason why partners might not want to sleep together anymore is because they have different preferences when it comes to the firmness of the bed. Thankfully, there are manufacturers that sell mattresses with different firmness levels for each side of the bed, so each sleeper can customize the bed according to their own preference.
How to Cope with Sleep Divorce
Regardless of whether you and your partner are suffering from anxiety or not, it’s perfectly normal to be worried that the concept of sleep divorce and its applicability might cause long-term damage to your relationship. Sleeping in the same bed offers a certain level of intimacy, so could it mean that sleeping apart destroys that special connection that people who share a bed might have?
Well, relationship experts have talked about what it means to sleep separately and revealed that there are some things that couples can do to compensate the fact they agreed to stop sharing a bed, and to show everyone that sleeping apart doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed:
- One important thing that you have to do once you’ve decided to stop sharing a bed is to remind yourself that your relationship isn’t terrible because of this decision. It’s perfectly normal to want to sleep alone if that’s the thing that brings you the most rest and leaves you feeling more energized the next day. It doesn’t in any way mean that your relationship is going down the drain. If anything, it means that two adults have decided to eliminate a source of quarrel and have taken a decision that will help them avoid conflict.
- You need to be careful in how you approach this situation, even if your sleeping partner is well aware about the discomfort you feel when sleeping together. If you want a sleep divorce, choosing your words carefully is really important, especially if you have a partner with anxiety that might try and look for hidden meanings behind this decision. In fact, both partners might have a hard time accepting that maybe they’re not cut out to share a bed, but it’s still important to be honest about the sadness you feel. As any psychologist will tell you, communicating with empathy can go a long way in avoiding conflict and making the other person feel more comfortable with the conversation.
- If you decide that sleep divorce is something you might want to try, you are going to have to spend some time with your partner before heading for separate beds. Even if sleeping with a partner isn’t comfortable at night, some of you surely cherish the cuddling before bedtime or the kisses you share in the morning. It’s really important to preserve as much of that time as possible, so make a habit out of cuddling with your partner before you or they head off to another bed. If one of you isn’t a cuddler, then you’re going to have to find other bedtime rituals to share. It can be anything that causes you to spend more time together, even if it’s just something like watching a series together or talking about what happened throughout the day.
- Even if you don’t always enjoy sleeping together with your spouse, make sure that you leave some room for compromise, if possible. If your partner is having a hard time accepting that you need to sleep solo in order to actually get a good night’s rest, maybe you can sleep apart on weekdays and share a bed on weekends. If there is any chance that the two of you could meet each other halfway, maybe you want to consider that option.
- If you’re going to stop sharing a bed with your partner, you are going to have to compensate for that intimacy gap with some other gesture throughout the day. Make a habit out of hugging them more often or showing a form of affection that they enjoy or are more comfortable with. That could mean anything from showering together to having intimate relationships more frequently. In fact, even if you do decide to keep sharing a bed, it’s moments of intimacy like these that are likely to keep the spark alive for longer, so don’t be afraid to give your spouse a hug and tell them how much you care, even if it isn’t a special occasion.
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Conclusion
While sleep divorce might be a solution to saving your relationship, it isn’t always the correct or the most viable one. For instance, if you share a small apartment and space doesn’t allow you to sleep in separate rooms, you are going to have to find creative ways to deal with this problem without actually breaking up.
For instance, a white noise machine might be a good solution, as it helps mask unwanted noise if your partner snores too loud. Couples that don’t like sharing a room because one prefers higher temperatures while the other likes a chillier bedroom might be more comfortable in investing in something like the chiliPad, which is a bedding item that can keep the two halves of the bed at different temperatures preferred by each of the two sleepers.
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